I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
