Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
