Can Purell be used as lube?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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