Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You made out with two different species that night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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