And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
