My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
