Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh god it's open bar.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
