yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
