I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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