So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
