the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
