Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
