get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
