there's paper in my vomit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize