I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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