I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
