Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
