Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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