Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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