Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
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Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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