This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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