We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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