She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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