she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
