Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
