Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
