Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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