Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
