no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
