Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
