that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
