You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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