i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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