I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
