Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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