Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
