oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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