i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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