Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
