i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
