I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
