I CAN MOONWALK!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
one might say we're banned from that church
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
