I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
