Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
