is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
