dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
