I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
sex in a hospital.. check
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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