im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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