My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
