Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
