I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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