Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
