yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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