i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
