If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
