i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize