My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
