Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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