I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
